I think of myself as a communicator in many ways. I love to share ideas and in most circumstances speak my mind! There are however those places that are more difficult for me to say exactly what I feel. Where it just feels very uncomfortable to be completely honest and forthcoming with another. One of those areas is with men. Having been in a fourteen year relationship, which I ended a few years ago I find myself in the single world again. Dating a lot and getting to know several new men. As friends with a man I am fully able to speak my mind. Powerfully and with full self expression. Comfortable in my own skin and not hesitating to say what I mean. When I am attracted to a man and not sure how he feels about me, I shut down. It surprises me and those who know me because I am sure they would describe me as a woman who says it like it is! But in this circumstance I feel shy, and repressed to express. I think it is a fear of hearing something about myself that I do not want to hear. Not sure where this began, but it had probably been there forever and hidden from me while in relationships. Now being out there in this singles experience it has come up over and over. Some of my girlfriends amaze me. When they meet someone they very soon say what they want in the relationship, and ask the man what his intentions are? This literally frightens me.
I have decided recently to confront this fear. I am tired of living in my head wondering for days what these men think and feel about me and us. What a waste of time. Talk about not being present! I am also done with not being my authentic self in every part of my life! This is no way to live. What to do?
I began to look at my current relationships. Was I being authentic? What have I not asked or said? I chose to try this on with a man who I enjoyed, but because of my not speaking up had no idea what he felt about me. I was getting mixed messages and this was driving me crazy. Spending way too much time in my head wondering? Feeling weird around him and not being myself. I decided to speak up! Terrifying as it was and it was, the alternative of being stuck no longer was an option. When I spoke to one of my wisest girlfriends, she said it is not in integrity for me to remain silent. So I decided to speak up! I emailed this man with full disclosure. I did not even run it by my girlfriend but pressed send before I could chicken out! Wow that was very scary,yet very freeing too! This was a new way of being. I decided to commit to full self expression in all areas of my life. I have not yet spoken with this man. He did send me a reply thanking me for my honesty. Whatever the outcome, I am now FREE!
I invite you to see if there is any area of your life where you are not fully speaking up. Who is the person that you have not said what you need to say to? See if it is worth the discomfort and lack of presence in your life this creates. Try to express yourself first to this person in a letter that you do not send. This can help you clear out some of the feelings the “charge” as I call it. Next I suggest feel the fear you are experiencing and communicate anyway. This communication is for you, no matter what the outcome. As long as you communicate responsibly.You will be amazed at the results! The freedom speaking up brings to your life. This, is a very self loving thing to do!