This morning I woke up somewhat grouchy. There was not anything obviously wrong.In fact things are what I call ”flowing”. I have more new clients, and I am loving my phone coaching work. The writing of my book is going well. I have been feeling generally grateful and peaceful with my life in Florida! So what is the problem? Upon reflection I discovered an issue that has been showing up in my life. At times I feel not seen and invalidated. I decided to investigate this issue further. In my book we call this using the “psyche detective” to uncover the truth! The more I probed I began to realize that there were things that were happening ,that did make me feel irritable.
I had signed up for Internet dating in Florida. I had been resistant at first. But although enjoying the quiet, total isolation was probably not the best idea. Being a social person and not knowing anyone , the idea of a great dinner with an interesting man began to intrigue me. It also is like shopping online, only for men. To me it feels like a form of entertainment. So I signed up. Five men out of 100 caught my eye! Some of these men had sent word they were interested in communicating with me. I began the communication process. Only one out of five replied! Wow, a week passed and nothing. You would think that would be no big deal but that coupled with the man I had communicated with(see blog on speaking up) who had not called me back seemed like too much. This began to open up an old wound. I labeled it invalidation. This may sound extreme given these circumstances. I also know there may be many practical reasons for their delay in responding, but on the feeling level I felt bad! Feelings are not reasonable they just are!
Calling upon the psyche detective I explored where this initial wound had begun. As much as I loved my parents, being the youngest of four children I felt by the time I arrived they were done. I did not feel seen or heard most of the time. Remember, this is my interpretation of what happened. I grew up to be a very free spirited and unconventional person . I think this was very difficult for my very traditional parents to understand. Basically I had felt at times invisible and what I call invalidated! What to do to clear this wound?
Many find a mate to validate them. That is great in the beginning when love is new, but tends to lessen over time. The real validation comes from within. It occurred to me that even now, I was looking outside myself ! So here are some self loving suggestions to heal this wound. To begin this process,I suggest you allow yourself to feel the feelings. If sad let yourself be sad. If angry express that somehow responsibly. Write a letter and do not mail it. Express to a friend. When that feels like it has lessened the sting move on to writing a list of your accomplishments . It is rare that any of us stop to acknowledge ourselves. So without acknowledgement we are not building our own self esteem. Then ask yourself what are your unique abilities, attributes, and gifts? After making this list one is well on the way to healing that space in your heart. Self validation is the key! Looking outside oneself and examining others responses is no longer the indicator of whether or not you are alright. Our job is to build a self loving relationship with ourselves, where we validate the beautiful being we are! This is a very loving act you can do for yourself! Happy validating!!